This coming year, I’m turning 40. There, I’ve said it. Since my birthday is in June, I have approximately six months to achieve whatever I want to achieve before the big clock ticks over on another decade. Even as I write those words, I feel a rush of adrenaline entering my bloodstream. It seems that if ever there was a time for making resolutions, it’s now.
I’ve been quiet on the blog front these past few weeks. There’s been a bit happening at work and at home, which is part of the reason. Also I’ve been taking a little time in recognition of the passing of the year, in the absence of any other religious or cultural rhythms to shape my life, to pause and rest, and reassess.
I’ve been asking the big questions, like: Holy Fuck What Am I Doing With My Life and Is It Worth It? And yes, it’s true, I am itching to add some resolutions to the mix.
One thing I have noticed, though, if I’m being honest, (which is what I try to be in the space of this blog), is that from moment to moment I am rarely actually present. I am always moving forward. Almost everything I do is for a reason, in order to get from where I am to somewhere else. That is all well and good but sometimes I can barely breath for the strain of it.
This kind of striving gives the illusion of meaning, without necessarily meaning anything.
For one thing I may never get to wherever ‘there’ is. In which case I have sacrificed the only present I will ever have for a future that actually won’t ever exist. Also, even if I achieve all I wish for, who can say what it will be like? Will I be happy? Will I be lonely? Will the world be a better place for it? Will I just be exhausted?
This year, my baby learned to crawl and then to walk. He learned to turn in a circle on the spot, to walk backwards, to kiss me. (Yes, he kisses me! It’s the best thing ever!) He didn’t make any resolutions. He didn’t have a list. He just did what he did, because he’s a baby and that’s what he does.
So this year, I’ve decided to say: screw the resolutions. What will be will be. If I’m going to do stuff I’ll do it, if I’m not, I won’t. I won’t be ticking things off any kind of list. I will love, dream, breath, move, and write without a plan.
And for the remainder of the year 2015, I will RELAX.
Wishing you, Dear Reader, health and happiness, in whatever form you find it.
See you on the flipside.